the tide

“having broken the oath once or twice, the whole hullabaloo about the sacred spirit seems so unreal. i could swear i was more diligent in a sin than my other half could’ve ever been in a union. if you ask me-go ahead and be your crappy self. this is the best you can be. not now- but forever. just that if you be your maximum hoody self in this phase of life, you’ll go descending on that for the rest of your life and screw it lesser by each passing lesson. be prepared to be surprised by all you can be. be prepared to know all you wish you could. be anything but fearful of what might be, because it’s all you- and only – you – not only now- but forever. why, while you’re in it – might as well enjoy the ‘tide’.”

_As

educate me enough

“educate me, enough, my dear.

 teach me how inappropriate it is, to desire the unthinkable. dare me against the illegitimacy of fragmented closure. slip them under the carpet one by one, the pieces of my heart you accidentally broke, after all, it’s all in the name of educating the illiterate lovers who are too unruly to train and too docile to ignore. i’m ready to undo the study of my honour, to honour your indulgence in the appropriate fashion. to pay it all off, sealing it in a book – 

only if you-

educate me enough, my dear.”

_As

this book

“flick past the pages of this book i’ll say. if you ever hold me close to having put together. because every page you flip open, and every word you eye, will scare you into believing how mutely life tolls you by. mark this book, and the words you read, if at all you know chaos is real. if at all you know how you wear out in fives for every two steps you heal. try not to highlight too much while you scroll, through theories that blind your optimism. bless yourself with a comfort of a book, thats withered and torn-lacks pages and bleeds wisdom. because useless things make the best companions into those nights dipped in contemplation – but if you only just flick past the pages of this book that feeds your heart it’s curation.” 

_As 

reminders

“i rested too long.” he panicked, as he struggled to get off the bed he was tied to. the nurse woke up startled, and frisked the tray for the correct injection. testing the syringe, she held his arm taught yet politely.” i rested too long.”- he looked at her redundantly, and said again. as the drug calmed him down, the nurse undid his clasped wrists and sighed. looking towards his right, he picked up his notebook and wrote the 910th letter to his beloved. these weren’t love letters- mind you. they were reminders. daily reminders she would’ve needed owing to her forgetfulness. they were his duties, which he continued to fulfil as he once vowed to. she was lucky, a few would say. well they didn’t know the plight of holding his hand and gripping his wrist – as his ‘nurse’ – helping him sit up to swallow more and more medications only to end up curing her forgetfulness- owing to his.” 

_As #iwrite #midnightthoughts

my kinda love

•as we walked through the wasted space of her thoughts, she leaned in and rested her head on my shoulder, ” is it absolutely insane to hug someone and feel like you belong somewhere inside them, close to their soul, than on the outside? ” she inquired. as much as i had known her all these years, nothing about her was ‘not insane’ and that – i had absolutely come to admire. ‘No.’, i lied. ” is it okay to feel like giving up on your identity, your worth , to complete someone else? ” she persisted. there she was- so neat, why wouldn’t you fall? yes, that was insanity. to the point where once you commit irrationally , you will never dare to do it again, for that once gets you to this wasted space of your thoughts. ” no.”, i lied again, hoping she would correct me and give me a reason to stop.• 
_As

i’ll make sure you don’t even try.

“oh yes, and about trust, i would have a little trouble with the definition of that term. i would sure trust you for not shooting me at sight. i would trust you for not losing touch so easily, however- i will not be able to get myself around the idea of meeting a lot. i will not be able to speak with you for long stretches of time. i will not be able to get comfortable with you beyond an extent. i will probably show you my weakest, but be formal enough to not expect anything reciprocative at the least. i will somehow never be able to digest that you understand every emotion behind the word vomits i spill. i will fail to have faith in your words of praise or affection. don’t mind my behaviour, i don’t know if it’s a trust issue, but i’m sure if there is anything of that sort, it’s only to avoid further destruction. i will not be able to trust you with not just liking my face, and not wanting to be with me because of my flamboyance. i will not be able to believe, if you tell me you like me not as an entertainment, but for the dramatic depth of my thoughts.” , i had my eyes stoned on her as she trailed away. hypnosis works best on people who look vindictive, i thought, and pitied myself for thinking of her as high flown. ” i will never trust you to love me. because i know i can’t be loved. instead, i’ll make sure that you don’t even try.”

_As

i sustain the dead

“so you might end up pulling your hair off, when i’m spilling the whirlpool of the endless turbulent hiatus fuming in my mind, and you might end up loathing the sweet voice you once fell for. you might soon realise that all the finesse you see on the surface, is juxtaposed to all that seethes under it. all words i utter, might bedevil you to an extent when you wouldn’t care any less about any sort of discerning. but with all the jarred parts of how deep i feel everything that i should not, fragments of my depth swallow your essence, and even if you won’t realise the number of times you killed me, my irrationally contemplative pen, will keep you alive.” 
_As

raindrop

#iclick 

#iphonography

#rainydays #windshield
 ” the love we owe to ourselves, we end up being owed to, and all those late nights i’ve been up, thinking of every possible harm i could have caused to any possible being, not thinking about the nails i was biting off myself while i contemplated in futility.

 “i need you to remember honey”, 

-i’d tell myself only if i could get myself to listen,

 “you are beautiful, and the raindrop that’s falling off that leaf up high? it’s going to shatter honey, either on the ground, or on your hand, it’s meant to fall apart, so it will and you will not be able to put it back together. it’s not your fault.’ 

• 

and i look away from the windshield wondering if i was that raindrop, to someone, somewhere. ”

_As 

only if you don’t mind

Only if You don’t mind straight honest expressions- 
____________________________
you’ll float high above the ground,

on the cloud they once named ‘the ninth’,

you’ll savour the breeze that caresses your hair,

you’ll freak out at every sight.
now pause.
take in everything that you see,

feel blessed to dwell in those eyes,

for all you love just now

will soon seem like disguise
i’m not telling you to lose hope,

for that’s what keep the world going,

but i don’t want you to lose your all,

without you even knowing.
so play.
go ahead now hold that hand tighter,

chose to sit back and talk than sleep away,

honey, i promise you, you won’t regret the love,

but you need to know – 

you’ll cry either way. 
and honey-

when expectations pull in,

don’t forget to expect the heart break.
____________________________
Only if You don’t mind straight honest expressions.
_As

the hickups

I had an impression of being close to a long gone today, and I would be lying if I said that it so happened after a long while, or that it doesn’t happen often.

the long gone, or the long goners, are none to be resting in peace, but the ones who couldn’t be at peace with my life. 

they come to me like hickups, and those are moments when people call me weird, because I refuse the water they pass at me to make them stop.

_As